I didn’t manage to get out of bed until noon yesterday. Today it was 1pm. I’ve been absolutely exhausted, much weaker than I remember being before—but that probably says more about my memory than my strength. Chemo is a nasty experience and it doesn’t get any easier the more often I have it.
The family are off doing their thing. Rugby, soccer, shopping. I’ve been sitting on my bed feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been listening to some music, and it’s a pretty fair indicator of my mood. Sometimes when I’m down I put on the Manic Street Preachers and listen to songs like You’re tender and you’re tired.
You’re tender and you’re tired
You can’t be bothered to decide
Whether you live or die
Or just forget about your life.
Bleak and depressing. I know it’s not helpful, but for some reason I migrate to songs like this when I’m feeling down and overwhelmed. It doesn’t lift my spirits. It just confirms me in my misery.
Having a chronic sickness is a lonely experience. It demands much patience. It does get too much at times. You’d think after my last scan results, that I’d be filled with gratitude and joy. Deep down I am thankful, but the difficult journey continues. The chemo is as harsh as it was. My weariness grows worse. And I don’t see an end in sight.
So, will I just wallow in self-pity? Will I focus on my suffering? Will I become all-consumed with myself and my needs?
I thank God that he has since sent me three reminders this afternoon.
- I turned on my phone and received this text: Hi David – it’s 6 months to the day since my operation – and I’m so grateful (PTL). How are you doing? Blessings.
- The phone rang shortly after and a friend from Sydney called, simply to see how I was going? I enjoy getting calls like this, so it was a big encouragement.
- The music on my laptop moved on from the Manic Street Preachers to Matt Redman performing 10,000 Reasons. These words stood out with a message for me:
The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
You’re rich in love, and You’re slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore