Bubble bubble toil and trouble

BubblingI’ve now officially lost count of how many courses of chemo I’ve had. Somewhere over 30 is the answer. I just keep on putting more and more poison into my body! People have asked me whether it gets easier. That’s difficult to answer. I struggle more with anxiety now. As the day approaches, the blood tests, the smell of the ward, the needles, the confinement, the knowledge of what’s to come. It all seems to increase my anxiety.

The last couple of treatments I’ve displayed more physical anxiety symptoms. My temperature goes up and I start sweating. The nurses bring me an iced water, I raise my feet, and I try to relax. It’s easier if I can pass the time quickly, but I can’t stay focused on anything. I need to shut my eyes. It would be easiest if I fell asleep. I ask the nurses to speed up my dose, to get out of there more quickly. I do pray about my anxiety, but God doesn’t necessarily take it away. Still, it’s good to talk to him about it.

The after-effects vary considerably. In some ways, knowing what to expect makes it easier. But this last cycle surprised me. The aching, and cramps, headaches, and nausea all seemed so much worse. I wondered if it was because I’d lost so much weight. I thought perhaps they were overdosing me with the poison, because the dose is calculated according to bodyweight. But a call to the ward today revealed they’d been under-dosing me for a year or so! It had been based on a weight that I haven’t been since April last year.

This has been a difficult week to feel so sick. My mother has been in hospital, my parents’ house is under threat from the fires, there are big issues on the horizon, we’re expecting our first grandchild, there are talks to be written, and clear head and able body would be so helpful. But I can’t control these things. Only God can. And he decided that I’d be better off spending time in bed and achieving very little rather than busy solving the world’s problems—or even my own.

Another good lesson is patience, humility, and trust.

9 thoughts on “Bubble bubble toil and trouble”

  1. It’s a time to be watchful and prayerful. And when we like to act it is a lesson in trust. Praying for you and all the family – often!

  2. Praying for you and your family Dave…just sit at Jesus’ feet and rest a while! Let Him do what only He does best…comfort, strengthen, heal, protect, renew. He is able.

  3. Dave
    Thank you for sharing with us. You are doing it tough. Our Heavenly Father understands your anxiety. He will comfort you in answer to your prayers. Then you will be able to comfort others as they face the poison.
    Love Phillip and Ann

  4. Praying for you Dave. I’m sorry it’s so hard 😦 May our loving Heavenly Father keep equipping you to be still and know that He is God as you rest in and delight in Him.

  5. Dave, it’s good to hear you rant a bit. How human we are. I find myself ranting some days too, mostly when I need the strong body I had before lung cancer. It is very difficult not to be able to jump in and get things done. These are often the times when we do not feel God’s grace. Be still and give thanks to God. He has great plans for you Dave.

  6. Thanks for your candid blogs. Helps me to pray for specific things. I hope the new medication you spoke of in your last blog is of help in the near future.

  7. I am just having my 22nd chemo treatment (over 3 days each fortnight) for another type of cancer (my very beloved wife died of cancer last year). I relate to much that you say. The chemo sickness can be overwhelming.

    I like the sound of your book – one of my sons just sent me the info.

    I too am trying to get a book out – “The Church – What on Earth is it?” – 725 Pages in 3 Parts. It is with pubishers – the necesssity of time and strength limitations has meant I have had to publish without the help of an editor or professional proof reader which is a bit dangerous humanly speaking.

    I have been encouraged this week by 1 Peter 1 – ‘I have an undefiled, incorruptible and unfading inhritance reserved in heaven for me’ – how great is God’s grace!

    May God encourage you and be with you in your challenging walk.

    With love and prayer,
    Ken Butcher

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