Journey with Cancer – Page 8

Carer’s brain

Appears it’s contagious! When Fiona saw my tee shirt, she immediately thought she should get one that read ‘Carer’s Brain’. We couldn’t find one online, so our daughter came to the rescue and made this one for her. I like the shirt, but I prefer what’s in it!

The reality is that the chemo experience isn’t simply for the patient. Chemo impacts the whole family. I’m very thankful for my family, for their patience, love and support. But it takes it’s toll on them too. Fiona has been juggling so many extra things this year, and often has to function as a single parent. She shares the worries and anxieties. She soldiers on through the ups and downs. She also grieves the ‘what could have beens’. This is not the year she had planned!

She might not remember everything, she forgets to finish sentences, she often misplaces items around the house, and she’s always having a fight with the computer… and I love her deeply!

Chemo brain

One of the effects of being treated for cancer is what’s known as ‘chemo brain’. It’s real, not imagined, and some reckon it could impact as many as 50% of chemotherapy patients. These are a few examples of what I’d describe as chemo brain:

Forgetting things that I usually have no trouble recalling (memory lapses)
Trouble concentrating (having a short attention span or ‘spacing out’)
Trouble remembering details like names or dates
Trouble multi-tasking (especially when it’s someone else asking me to do something I’m not keen to do)
Taking longer to finish things (disorganized, slower thinking and processing)
Trouble remembering common words (starting a sentence, but being unable to find the right words to … umm … umm … finish, that’s it!)

Personally, I’ve found it weird and occasionally a little worrying. I’ve usually prided myself in having a good memory and being able to multitask. I enjoy word games and puzzles. Leading a multi-congregational, multi-staff-church has meant being able to keep many balls in the air at once. Teaching and preaching most weeks for over two decades has required me to think quickly on my feet, especially as I only use brief notes. I’m hoping this will be a temporary symptom rather than the new normal!

In the meantime I will keep exercising my brain, eat more vegetables (apparently it helps), keep up the crosswords, go for walks in the fresh air, drink coffee (not sure if it helps or not), read good books, use my diary, keep better notes, file things carefully, spend time talking with people, try to increase my physical exercise, make sure I get enough sleep, ask for help when I need it, have a bit of fun with friends and family, blog a little, pray that God will heal me, and try not to let a bit of mental fog here and there bother me too much!

Sorry, what was I talking about again?

Physical inspiration

I’ve just returned from a walk/jog/walk/jog/walk… Week 1 Day 1 of C25K. The plan is to get from the couch to running 5 kilometres. It hurt! The body didn’t have a clue what I was trying to do! My lungs got their biggest workout in 8 months. The muscles were a bit stiff, the joints a bit creaky, and I had to hold my chest so it didn’t bounce around and cause pain! All I did was jog for 60 seconds, walk for 90 seconds, and keep repeating the cycle for 20 minutes. But I felt inspired to look ahead, set a plan, and achieve some fitness goals.

The inspiration came from a few places. Watching the Olympics might have had something to do with it. Marvelling at pensioners surfing on the Sunshine Coast helped. This morning I renewed my driver’s license until 2017 and I don’t want to waste the money! Research is showing that exercise plays an important role in fighting cancer.

… maintaining a healthy weight, getting adequate physical activity, and eating a healthy diet can reduce the chance of recurrence and increase the likelihood of disease-free survival after a diagnosis.

Last night I read about Paul Goebel. He’s my age and in January this year he was diagnosed with the same cancer of the lung. Admittedly, he was starting from a much higher baseline of physical fitness, but I was inspired that on June 23 this year he completed a marathon running at an 8.30 pace! Wow!

But the real inspiration is more personal. I want to be able to contribute to my family, enjoy activity, share with friends, return to work, get out and about. The disease and the treatment have a big impact on my capacity to do things, but I don’t want to give up. God has numbered my days and he calls me to use them for his glory. I have no idea how many days I have, nor does my oncologist, or anyone else. But I want to make the most of whatever days I have.

Journey with cancer 29 July 2012 – time out

I’ve been enjoying taking a break lately. A break from the harsh Canberra winter. A break from chemo. A break from writing. The break has been good. Relaxing, refreshing, rejuvenating. A change of routine. We’ve been holidaying on the Sunshine Coast in southeast Queensland. Walking on the beach, paddling the surf ski, fishing off the pontoon, reading Anh Do’s The Happiest Refuge, watching The Voice, eating out, sleeping in, time with family. Much to thank God for.

It’s now 9 weeks since my last dose of Alimta. My head has been clearer, my body has felt less sick, and I think my feet and hands have improved. The burning sensation and the pins and needles continue at night, but it’s less painful to walk during the day. I’ve been for many walks along the sand recently. To be honest, I’ve often felt reasonably well. Just weaker and less fit. Many times I’ve had to pinch myself. Do I really have cancer? Or is this just an awful dream, and I’m going to wake up from it soon?

At times I’ve been anxious about what this break means for the cancer. Is this just a calm before the storm? Is it growing, spreading, preparing for a new onslaught? Or has it been kept in check? I’ll need to wait for the next scan to find out. It’s hard not knowing. Sometimes I wish I had an instrument panel with dials and gauges on my chest. I could keep track of the cancer, differentiate the side effects, measure the neuropathy, and do my own blood tests without the need for needles. But… I’m a person… not a car!

Big decisions need to be made in the next week or so. Do I go back on the chemo? If so, what dose, so that the neuropathy doesn’t get worse? If not, will we be able to begin targeted treatment and get access to Crizotinib? If you have a minute to pray… I’d ask that you pray for wisdom for our oncologist; access to the Crizotinib (preferably at no cost); an end to the neuropathy; healing from the cancer; and for our stamina, patience, continued faith in God, hope for eternity, and love for others.

With thanks,

Dave

Journey with cancer 29 June 2012 – family bits and pieces

Dear family and friends

Time to share some personal updates on how we’re travelling. People have been asking how things are going with the changes to chemo. I’ve dropped the Alimta (the ‘poison the cancer and lots of other things’ chemo) for two cycles in an attempt to clear the neuropathy in my feet. I’m continuing with the Avastin (this chemo works by restricting the growth of new blood vessels that are required to deliver nutrients to the cancer). Without the Alimta in my system, I’ve felt the least toxic I’ve been in over 5 months. They say there’s a ‘chemo haze’ where things feel foggy, memory lapses and you can be rather vague. This has been me – or at least my excuse – for some time!

The neuropathy still exists in my feet, but the oncologist has recommended a 6 week break from Alimta in the hope it will clear. In the mean time, I’ve purchased some new shoes that are more supportive and comfortable, and I continue to go for walks as I’m able. I was reminded recently that I’d been talking about walking the Kokoda trail with a friend this August. It won’t be happening!

The costs of chemo have been very high over recent months and we are thankful to a number of people who have supported us in this. Recently, we received great news from Roche Pharmaceuticals saying that they were willing to share the costs of the Avastin on a 1 in 3 basis. This is a wonderful answer to prayer.

On the family front, June is always a busy birthday month for us. We celebrated Marcus’s birthday by watching him play for the Brumbies under 14s rep team at the NSW Junior Rugby Championships. They had a strong side and easily disposed of their opposition in the pool games. However, the finals were another story. The semi final was a bruising encounter as they played a Penrith side stacked full of boys twice as big as Marcus. At one point a boy, considerably bigger than me, cleared Marcus from the ruck by simply picking him up and throwing him out of the way!

The final was against a well-drilled Gordon side who were the reigning champions. It was played in torrential rain and the Brumbies toughed out an 8-5 victory to take the State Championship. We thoroughly enjoyed the weekend, staying with friends in Orange for the pool games (in beautiful sunshine) before heading to Sydney to play the final (in torrential rain). This worked well, as Marcus was able to enjoy a birthday dinner and an overnight stay with his grandparents as we passed through the Blue Mountains.

Grace’s world has been dominated by the school musical production of Footloose. They’ve spent this term learning parts and rehearsing for the public performances being held this week. Our whole family watched the show last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. Grace had a part that involved rollerskating (the old fashioned way) around a cafe on stage. It was great fun. Grace has also been counting down the days until she is able to get behind the wheel of a car. She picks up her learners permit this Monday and the fun begins!

Matt is home from uni this week, enjoying his mid-semester break. He had a tough start to the year, especially given all that we’ve had going on, but seems to have thoroughly settled back into things. His church in Sydney is a great encouragement and the ministry on campus continues to spur him on. He still enjoys surfing in Sydney, mainly at Maroubra, even in the winter months! As I write this he’s out for a 15km run, up and down Mt Ainslie, in training for a marathon in September. I wish I had that energy!

Luke and Sharon are doing well. Sharon’s still managing the new Kings Swim School near the airport. Luke continues his training in Physical Education and Maths teaching. They’re both busy at church, assisting with children’s and youth ministry and other things. We love having them nearby and appreciate their support and encouragement. Luke’s birthday was last week and the family enjoyed a night out listening to Nathan Tasker and his band. The music was great, but it was also encouraging to hear Nathan share how God had helped his wife and him to cope with the recent deaths of her father and their twin babies. There was a strong message of hope in the midst of great sorrow.

I’m very thankful for Fiona’s ongoing love and support, both personally and medically. This journey with cancer is often a tough one, and I probably don’t consider enough how it’s affecting my wife (or kids). Fiona’s the one who does most of the work keeping our home and family on track. She’s had a very busy term due to taking on an extra day relief doctoring at the Aboriginal Health Centre. She invests a lot into people and has laboured long and hard for a number of her patients. I think it’s been harder than usual lately, having to care for a few patients who are battling cancer. There’s a lot of emotion tied up with her work. Fiona also celebrated her birthday last week and we had a special dinner at a restaurant on Red Hill that has superb views of Canberra.

We’re looking forward to a couple of weeks away as a family in the school holidays. Friends have kindly offered their place on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland. We’re hoping to experience some warmth (please)! It’ll be good to enjoy some surf, maybe catch a few fish, visit some fun places, read a book or two, and generally relax together.

We continue to thank you for your support in this journey. Please keep asking God to heal me of the cancer and that our family will trust God in everything that comes our way.

May God bless you,

Dave

Telling the truth in your 80s

John Chapman is as bold as brass when it comes to telling the truth. He knows that when you’re 82 it’s not too smart to keep putting things off. Especially the things that really matter. Life’s too short. There’s no point in pretending. And certainly not with the people you deeply care about. So he just tells it like it is, and he gets away with it. Addressing a bunch of oldies in his retirement home he says…

I can see there are a lot of snow-capped mountains and barren peaks here today. Now put your hand up if you think you’ll be alive in 10 years … what about 5 years? … if you’re not right with God, and you’ve only got 3 years to go, wouldn’t you make that a high priority? I would, if I were you!

Chappo has been a follower of Jesus since his teens and he’s learned a great deal over the years. In a recent interview, at an AFES student workers conference, he shared at length about his experiences as a Christian. It’s a long interview (86 minutes) but it’s full of priceless gems of encouragement amidst his trademark story telling and humour. The topics cover such areas as being a Christian at school, connecting with people in country towns, his experiences with the 1959 Billy Graham crusade, how to become a better preacher, communicating about Jesus Christ on university campuses, getting organised with prayer, the struggles of growing old, why heaven will be so much better, and more.

A particular highlight for me was hearing about Chappo’s commitment to praying for other people. (It occurs between 54 and 60 minutes into the video.) He explained how 6 weeks of hospitalisation over Christmas gave him more opportunities to pray. He described his strategies for prayer that include his photographic prayer diary, his daily lists, his 9 day cycle, and his special prayers for people in need. He mentioned that he prays for his ‘oncology patient’ friends, including myself, each time he gets up to go to the toilet at night. I feel very privileged to be on this exclusive prayer list! Furthermore, Fiona and I were so encouraged to hear Chappo share how he also prays for our youngest son, and how they’ve been writing to each other and found this mutually encouraging. God bless you brother!

Do yourself a favour. Skip that meaningless forensic pathology television show, or that B grade multi-repeat movie, or that footy game you were planning to watch… and listen to Chappo get fired up about what’s really important. Click here to watch.

I can do all things through God who strengthens me

Waisale Serevi is arguably the greatest rugby 7s player ever. He represented Fiji from 1989 until 2007. This is an astonishing feat in a game that demands the utmost in speed, strength, stamina and skill. I remember the first time I noticed Serevi on television, as he had the words “Philippians 4:13” written (somewhere) on him. I understand he’d later have these words on his boots, strapping and jersey for every game. In fact, there are a number of high profile athletes who have taken to writing this reference on their arms or strapping, and some have even had them tattooed on their bodies. Joe Tomane, of the Brumbies and Wallabies, in a recent interview revealed that he has the whole text inked on his torso. It’s a verse from the Bible and this is what it says:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

What does it mean exactly? And what’s the appeal for athletes in particular? Is it saying that I can score more tries, kick more goals, lower my golf handicap, run faster times, improve my win/loss record, gain Olympic gold? Does it mean that with God’s help I can pull off anything I put my mind to? Are these words a recipe for success, reaching our dreams and achieving personal bests? And what’s the ‘everything’ spoken of in this verse?

As with any Bible reading, and all responsible reading in general, we need to take the words in their context. Someone once said that a text without a context is a pretext for a proof text. I just wanted to write that! Nobody likes having their words taken out of context and made to say something that they never intended. So let’s have a look at the verse in its context:

¹⁰I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.¹⁴Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. ¹⁵Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; ¹⁶for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need. ¹⁷Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account. ¹⁸I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. ¹⁹And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:10-19)

We can see from its original context that the Apostle Paul is expressing his thanks to the Christians in Philippi for supporting him in his time of need. He thanks God for their gifts, not so much because he was in need but because it shows they have generous hearts. The immediate context is verse 12, where he reveals that he has learned the secret of contentment. He is able to be content in any and every situation.

The extraordinary thing is that Paul’s contentment is not contingent on his circumstances. His words are powerfully backed up by the fact that he’s in prison as he writes. He’s not waiting for good things to come his way. Winning Lotto won’t make him content. Having a supermodel wife won’t make him content. Winning the championship won’t make him content. Having his book published won’t make him content. He’s learned to be content even when he’s hungry, even when he’s abandoned, even when he’s imprisoned. How can this be? How can Paul find contentment even when things go pear-shaped? Here, in context, is his answer:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Left to his own resources, Paul would be unsettled, dissatisfied, complaining, grumbling, miserable, and always wanting things to be different. In other words, he’d be like a lot of us – desperately hanging out for his circumstances to get better. Then we’d be content – or so we think. But for Paul contentment doesn’t come from his circumstances. Nor does it come from his inner strength, his resilience or his personal resources. It comes from the God who enables us to rise above our circumstances.

I’ve found these words to be a powerful challenge in the past week. I’ve been struggling with discontentment. The freezing cold here in Canberra. The frustration of having to back off the chemotherapy just as we see it further reducing the size of the cancer. The pain and discomfort in my feet preventing me from walking very far. The uncertainties about the future and my inability to make long-term plans. The grief of things lost and unfulfilled. Even the jealousy of having some of my close friends enjoying time in Darwin, instead of me! To be honest, I’ve been irritable, frustrated, depressed and generally discontented.

So what can I do? What should I do?

I should pray that God will strengthen me to learn the secret of contentment. That’s what I should do. That’s what I will do! I know the truth that contentment is not to be found by changing the circumstances. It comes from changing the heart. My prayer is that God will change my heart and help me to see things as he does. Knowing the secret of contentment rescues me from being self-obsessed. It frees me to love God, to love my wife and my children, to love my friends and others, even to love my ‘enemies’.

My prayer is that God will continually remind me of all that I have and all that I am in Christ Jesus, that he will strengthen me to be satisfied in him whatever my circumstances, and that he will teach me the secret of genuine contentment.

Healing – medicine or miracles?

Everyone has an opinion on cancer. Since my diagnosis I’ve been given books and blogs and articles to read. Some are conservative and mainstream. Others are out there and adventurous. I’ve learned about surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, phototherapy, herbal medicines, angiogenesis inhibitors, acupuncture, detox diets, and much more. It’s encouraging that research is advancing at a rapid rate and treatment options are available today that wouldn’t have been dreamed of a few years back. But it’s so confusing. There are so many voices. How do we know what’s best? How do we distinguish the quacks and the frauds from the progressive and informed? Do we just go with tried and tested or do we explore and experiment? I’m just grateful for my GP wife who is well equipped to ask the right questions and then translate the answers for me!

I’ve found something else disturbing, and it’s more theological than medical. A belief that treatment should be refused because it’s incompatible with faith in God. One man is refusing any treatment because his pastor has prayed for him and pronounced him to be healed. The problem is that he’s not healed. So what does he do? Conjure up faith that he really is healed, expecting his belief to eventually become reality? Or does he take the advice of family and friends and visit an oncologist?

The faith-healing movement has a lot to answer for. Promises of healing are sometimes presumptuous and dangerous. In some devastating cases people have died because they have refused simple, available, proven treatment options. I know of a number of people who’ve been left riddled with guilt because they (or their friends or relatives) have been promised healing if only they have enough faith. They’re rebuked for having hidden sin in their life. They’re criticised for having a weak faith or doubting God’s ability and willingness to heal. Sadly, this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading people to doubt the goodness of God and the validity of their own faith.

The Bible describes God as the creator of heaven and earth. He sustains our every breath, knowing every detail of our bodies and minds. He is Ruler over all and not constrained in any way by our actions or beliefs, or our lack thereof. He is the Sovereign Lord who gives life and takes it away. He is the Healer who sometimes chooses to heal and other times does not. God works through our trials, struggle, sickness, and pain. He doesn’t promise to remove all suffering in this life, but he does promise to use it for our ultimate good. God has set a day when our healing will be full and complete, but this will be after our death and resurrection.

Ongoing illness needn’t be understood as a sign of personal sin or evidence of a lack of faith. It may simply be a part of God’s good purposes for our lives in this world of decay and death. Nor should we think that God’s ability or willingness to heal is in any way contingent on our faith. Jesus heals many people in the gospels without any mention of their faith. We mustn’t think that our faith is the trigger mechanism that activates God’s power to heal. God can do whatever he likes, with or without our help.

And what’s more, as creator and sustainer of all things, God can use whatever he chooses to bring healing to people. If someone is healed through chemotherapy, then we can thank God! He made the brilliant minds that have taken the products of his creation and applied them to fighting the cancer. If someone is healed through surgery, then we can thank God. He gave the skill to the surgeons, anaesthetists, and nurses. If someone is able to keep the cancer from growing or spreading by keeping to a strict diet, then we can thank God. How generous is God to provide ‘natural’ ways of combatting the cancer. If someone should be healed without any medical explanation and contrary to medical advice, then we should thank God. How merciful is our God, and how great beyond our understanding!

And if God chooses not to heal someone, but to take them home to himself, then we can thank God! We can thank him for our life! We can thank him for his kindness in giving us new life in Jesus Christ! We can thank him for his promise to rescue us from our decaying bodies and bringing us into a glorious future with him.

Healing – medicine or miracles? I really don’t mind. I’d love to be miraculously healed, and soon. I’d be thrilled to have chemo, or targeted drugs, or some other therapy succeed in eradicating all the cancer from my body. I’m very grateful that God has sustained me thus far and I look forward to many days, weeks, months and years ahead – God willing! But death awaits us all, one way or another, and I thank God most of all for the hope of the life to come.

³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade —kept in heaven for you, ⁵who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire —may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:3-9)

Journey with cancer 6 June 2012 – the good, the bad and the ugly

Dear family and friends

I’m sitting on my favourite bed, in my favourite room, writing to my favourite people! We’ve just got home from another visit to our oncologist. These are always anxious times and I tend to get fairly stressed around each visit. We were keen to learn about the results of my CT scan on Monday and to talk about what happens next. I’d been feeling more unwell than usual over the past week and we had a few questions to ask.

The good news is that the primary lung cancer has continued to reduce in size. This is a cause for rejoicing and I thank God for the positive benefits of the chemo. The shrinkage is unexpected, given that I’ve been on a maintenance chemo program and we were simply hoping to keep things in check. Six months ago the tumour was 26mm in diameter and it’s now shrunk to only 12mm. It makes me wonder if it can’t keep getting smaller until it vanishes altogether! However, the oncologist doesn’t see this happening and there are other factors involved. Seems bizarre to be held to ransom by something the size of a marble!

The bad news is that there is now clearer evidence of metastases. The cancer isn’t all in one place. Nothing new since the last scans, but evidence of the spread of cancer nonetheless. It would be so good if all the cancer was contained in the one tumour and all they needed to do was operate. Just cut it out! No more cancer! Clean bill of health! Sadly, this isn’t my story. Chemotherapy is designed to attack the cancer wherever it pops up, even in the places you can’t see, and thankfully it seems to have been doing it’s job pretty well.

This brings me to the ugly. Chemo has it’s side-effects and they can be pretty nasty. I’ve catalogued the various symptoms previously. Nausea, constipation, aching, skin rashes, lethargy, and so on, are all pretty standard. At least I’ve got my hair! But, I’ve begun to experience another effect that we need to take seriously… peripheral neuropathy. I get a burning sensation on the soles of my feet and palms of my hands, and it’s been getting worse in the last week or so. It’s a bit like pins and needles and makes my feet and hands feel tingly, hot and heavy. I walked into town the other day and had so much pain in my feet that I considered getting a taxi home. It’s been very concerning because walking is the easiest exercise for me to keep up.

While not a common side effect from my treatment, some patients do experience neuropathy in varying degrees. If ignored, it can leave severe and lasting damage. It’s resulted in some people becoming housebound or confined to a wheelchair.

Our oncologist is concerned by my symptoms and he’s recommended we cease the chemotherapy for a couple of cycles to see if the neuropathy improves. This will mean dropping Alimta, but continuing with the Avastin (which is not a chemo drug). I’m learning more and more that my treatment is a balancing act. You get wins in one area while accepting losses in another. I just want a lot more wins than losses! I’d love to keep charging on, bashing the cancer as hard as I can cope with, but it seems that I’ve found one of my limits already.

If you’re one who prays, then please speak to God about me over the next few weeks. We’d love the respite in chemo to clear up any symptoms of neuropathy AND we don’t want the cancer to grow or spread in this period. I hope this isn’t too much to ask for!

Thank you again for your support and for sharing this journey with us,

With love, Dave (and Fiona)

Journey with cancer 4 June 2012 – a chemo sandwich

It’s now six months since I was diagnosed with cancer. It feels like a landmark of some kind! The good news is I’m alive. The bad news is I sometimes don’t feel like it. Life has become a ‘chemo-sandwich’. I go into hospital and get poisoned, spend three weeks recovering, and then I do it all over again. The challenge is to put some nice stuff into the middle of the sandwich.

Here are some of the enjoyable bits I’ve found in my sandwiches…

Going for walks with my wife

Being invited out for a meal

Reading some good books

Sitting on the swing in the backyard, soaking up the sunshine

Having a family golf day

Sharing coffee with friends

Going for walks with the dog

Cheering on the Brumbies

Preaching at church

10pin bowling with my boys

Learning to write (blog posts)

Chatting over lunch with friends

Catching a couple of fish

Visiting the Harley Davidson shop, and dreaming

Having a good cry

Buying myself a down-filled jacket

Going for walks with friends

Reading through 2 Corinthians

Having friends come to visit

Planning a holiday in Queensland

Walking the Relay for Life with my family

Playing Words with Friends with friends

Going out to dinner

Staying at home in front of the fire

Going for walks on my own

Drinking ginger beer

Being inspired by others who are also doing it tough

Learning more and more what it means to trust God in all things

Thank you once again for sharing our journey. 🙂

What caused the cancer?

It’s a question many people have been asking me. And believe me, I’ve asked it myself. I’m not a smoker. I haven’t spent my life hanging around smokers. So how did I end up with a lung cancer? I know it’s not a smokers’ cancer, but that doesn’t explain why I have it.

There are lots of things that go through the mind. Is it genetic? My grandfather had cancer, my father has recently had cancer, and I haven’t explored the family tree any further. But each of these cancers are so different. There doesn’t appear to be any connections between them, other than the ‘C’ word.

Have I brought it on myself with overwork and stress? Being the pastor of a church may seem like a pretty cushy job, but I can tell you it ain’t! Mentoring a team of staff, managing a significant budget, coming up with talks each week, pastoring hundreds of people, juggling church leadership with a university ministry and sports chaplaincy, raising up and training leaders, running conferences, admin, change and rebuilding year after year. Then there’s the stuff that goes pearshaped, the breakdown in relationships, the staff conflicts, helping the schizophrenic who then turns on you, counselling couples with broken marriages, comforting grieving parents, and the list goes on. A friend once told me that you couldn’t pay him enough to do all that stuff! Not that I’d change this (not all of it anyway!) and I thank God for the opportunities he’s given me.

Or is it the imbalance of life, getting it wrong, living on stress and adrenalin, insufficient exercise, too many coffees, not taking my lunch to work, staying up late to finish off work, working on days off, not allowing enough time for the fun stuff? Where should I lay the blame?

There are some who believe that I must accept the blame. I’ve clearly done something to deserve it. Perhaps it’s spiritual karma that is causing the suffering. Maybe I’ve done something that’s resulted in me getting sick. Some Christians might claim that God is teaching me a lesson, or disciplining me, or punishing me for specific things I’ve done wrong. They might suggest if I own up to my actions then maybe I’ll be healed, or spared further suffering. Others would claim that Satan has me in his cross-hairs, wanting to damage not only my life, but my faith in God.

I reckon there could be some truth in some of the things above. Genetics, lifestyle, and spiritual factors may all play a part. But it’s not helpful to speculate or jump to conclusions about what lies behind it all. It’s tempting to fall into the trap of Job’s so-called ‘comforters’ and presume to speak for God. I find myself going back over my life, and words, and decisions, wondering if something I’ve done is responsible for the cancer. But I can’t find an answer and it probably doesn’t help. The truth is I haven’t been given a divine diagnosis. God hasn’t given me an explanation, and he may never. He’s under no obligation to do so.

I don’t know the reasons why I have this particular cancer at this particular time. But let me tell you what I do know! We live in a messed-up fallen world. The Christian explanation for this, is that we’ve all chosen to turn away from our creator and this has serious repercussions. We forfeit the joy of living in harmony with God. We experience the pain of fractured and broken relationships with one another. We damage ourselves and our environment through our selfishness. In short, we’ve turned our backs on God and we now live with the consequences. Pain, suffering, tragedy and grief have become a normal part of human experience. Cancer, my cancer, all cancers are part of this fallen world. This doesn’t explain why particular things happen to particular people, but it certainly puts them in context.

In fact, from the moment we’re born we live under the shadow of death. It’s hard to accept this when we’re young. Old age seems seems so far away, but it’s an obvious fact of life that each of us will die at some point. It may not be soon, but it’s guaranteed to happen. From a Christian perspective, we not only live under the shadow of death, we also live under the sentence of death. Death is God’s judgment for our spiritual anarchy. It sounds harsh, and it is. There’s nothing nice or natural about death.

You might be thinking, what a gloomy pessimistic post. Life sucks and then you die! Is this all there is?

Let me change tone. The Bible is not fundamentally a book about why we die, but about how we can live. God cares deeply about our suffering. Jesus has shared our human experience and endured greater pain than we could ever imagine. He was rejected, tortured and crucified for no human reason other than he was a threat to the religious establishment. And yet God had a purpose in this awful death… through one death to save many lives. Jesus paid the price for our rebellion (sin) so that we could live. He overcame death to give real hope to all who will trust him.

He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification. (Romans 4:25)

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. (1 Peter 2:24)

For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. (1 Peter 3:18)

Not only is there hope for individuals, but through the death and resurrection of Christ there is hope for this world. God promises a new creation. There’s a future for people struggling with chronic sickness and terminal illness. I don’t expect to be saved from death for, even if I am healed of my cancer, I will eventually die of something else. God’s word offers me a better and enduring hope beyond death. The final scenes in the Bible point to the wonder of what is to come. The language is a little unusual, dripping with images from other parts of the Bible, but the basic idea is clear. God isn’t done with us yet! He has better things in store for those who belong to him…

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ²I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ³And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:3-4)

What great words. What a tremendous hope. This momentary life is not all there is! There is hope and peace beyond the storm. Jesus has come back from the dead to reveal what lies ahead for all who will follow him.

By the way, I got to speak at church again this last weekend. I spoke on Genesis 3 and explored the issues of sin, suffering, death, and the hope that God offers. If you’re interested, you can download the talk and have a listen!

Counting my blessings

I’m about to preach to myself. In fact, I’m about to preach at myself. Every now and then I need a good talking to, and now is one of those times. Listen if you want. But if you don’t want to hear what I’m going to say to myself, then just stop reading!

I’m not happy. My breathing is uncomfortable. The pain in my chest cuts like a knife… especially when I cough or sneeze. Yawning hurts like crazy. My joints ache, my head hurts, my stomach complains, my skin flakes, my rashes burn, my nose bleeds, my mood changes, my patience runs thin, as does my hair, and yet, I am blessed!

How many people in our world or throughout history have had anything like the medical care that I take for granted? The drugs I’m given are the products of years of research, and millions of dollars of investment, from some of the smartest minds in the world. And they work. They attack the cancer, they shrink the tumours, and they destroy the bad cells. It hurts, and I hate it, but it’s a good thing. And I’m blessed to have such amazing treatment available!

I have specialists and GPs (one very special one!) and nurses who care for me. I have a family who loves me and watches over me. I have friends who call, write, visit, or support in practical ways. There must be so many who suffer alone, without care, without compassion and without hope. I do feel somewhat lonely and sad, but deep down I know that I’m blessed to experience the care and love of so many.

It might not seem like it, and I know that I can so easily forget it, but the reality is that I’m truly blessed. I have a hope that comes, not from anything medicine or people can offer, but from the trustworthy promises of God. In Jesus Christ, God has forgiven my selfish independence and accepted me as his own child. He has started my life over again, and assured me that nothing can separate me from his love. Nothing! As it says in Romans…

³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39)

This is the reality of my blessing. It’s incomparable. It’s astonishing. It’s undeserved. And it’s available!

As I preach to myself, so I pray…

Heavenly Father,
Let me see things as they truly are.
Let me not be blinded by my selfishness.
Let me hold fast to the Your Word.
Let me count my blessings.
Amen

Teach us to number our days

Dear family and friends,

Thank you again for your ongoing support and encouragement. We continue to be buoyed by your prayers, visits, messages, gifts, and kindness. They matter just as much to us now as they did in the initial days of crisis.

After 6 cycles of chemo some of you have been asking, “How many have you got to go?” Our answer is simply, “We have no idea!” If the Alimta/Avastin chemo continues to shrink the tumour, or at least prevent it from growing, and if I can tolerate the toxic effects, then it could be a while. We’ve been viewing data that shows some patients with my specific gene mutation doing very well on Alimta for many months. This means that life may continue to be shaped by the ups and downs of chemo cycles for some time yet. We are still hoping to get access to the targeted drug, Crizotinib, once the chemo starts to fail, and we’re praying that the government or drug company will release this to us (ideally subsidised or free of charge).

I’m pleased that the two latest (maintenance) cycles have been easier to tolerate. This has meant that I’ve been able to do a bit more. Over recent days days I’ve even been spending time on the exercise bike, while watching episodes of iFish, and wishing I was somewhere in Northern Australia landing barra and GTs! I’m starting to do some light weights, situps, and a bit on the rowing machine too, under strict instruction from my youngest! Nothing too intense, but they say it all helps.

Over the next few weeks I have the opportunity to speak at church again. I’ll be giving a couple of talks based on Genesis chapters 3 to 9, God willing. These chapters of the Bible deal with the mess we make of our lives when we push God aside. They address issues of suffering and death, and consider God’s purposes in these things. I’m anticipating that I’ll feel their impact more intensely and personally than I have previously!

Let me say, one of the hardest things about this struggle with cancer is not knowing what the future holds. Silly really, because we have never known and we will never know… we just think we do! The daily reminder of my own mortality intensifies the urgency and importance of good decisions, making the most of my opportunities, and using my time wisely. I can’t simply put things off until tomorrow, or next year, or some time in the indefinite future. If they matter, really matter, then I need to get onto them now. I need to make them a priority. How much time gets frittered away doing nothing of lasting value? These words in the Psalm keep coming back to me:

¹²Teach us to number our days carefully
so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts.
¹³Lord—how long?
Turn and have compassion on Your servants.
¹⁴Satisfy us in the morning with Your faithful love
so that we may shout with joy and be glad all our days.
¹⁵Make us rejoice for as many days as You have humbled us,
for as many years as we have seen adversity. (Psalm 90:12-15)

I used to think I had all the time in the world, enough time to get around to anything and everything I wanted to do. But then we grow older and life speeds up. Time starts to slip away. They say a mid-life crisis is being confronted with the reality that you can’t and won’t do everything you had planned in life. If so, then a terminal illness is this plugged into an amplifier!

My prayer is that God will teach me to number my days, to make the most of each day he gives me, and that I will thank him for these days whatever they may hold. It’s very easy to dwell on the negatives, to get miserable, to become filled with self-pity. But it doesn’t help. All it does is distract me from the true source of satisfaction and joy. This Psalm offers me some sound advice: talk to God, let him know how I’m feeling, ask him to be compassionate with me, call on him to satisfy me with his faithful love and enable me to find real joy… every day and whatever my circumstances.

Let me encourage you also to consider these words, to take them to heart, and to ask God to teach you to number your days.

With love, Dave (and Fiona)

Will I be the biggest loser?

My 13 year old is concerned that I should be more active, drinking less coffee, not snacking on chocolate, and shedding the kilos. He is now well trained as a ‘personal trainer’ after watching just about every episode of The Biggest Loser. Hence, he thought he’d write a fully integrated program for me, and then make sure I stick to it! I’ve attached it here, just in case it might be of benefit to any of you too!

What a will won’t do

This morning Fiona and I were discussing wills. We’d had my will drawn up while I was in hospital, when things were looking pretty grim. We reckoned it was important to get my affairs in order. But, it’s no less important to attend to Fiona’s affairs, so we figured she should draw up a will too.

It’s a bit morbid writing wills, thinking about who we want to get what when we die. Mostly it’s about possessions… the house, cars, bank accounts, superannuation, life insurance, all the books, fishing tackle, camping gear, my ‘limited edition commemorative 2004 championship-winning embroidered and framed Brumbies jersey’… and some other stuff!

However, the big concern is not our stuff. It’s deciding who’ll look after the children if we’re taken from them. We want to make sure our children will be in good hands. We want people who’ll care for them, protect them, teach them, encourage them, discipline them and, most of all, love them. We want people who share our priorities and values and beliefs.

At the end of the day, it’s not about preparing to financially compensate our kids for losing their parents. It’s not about giving our children financial security. There’s no such thing really. We do our children a huge disservice if we teach them that life can be measured by money in the bank or possessions in the hand. We rob them of the joy of trusting God to meet their needs if we influence them to covet a potential inheritance.

Jesus famously taught…

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? (Matthew 6:25-27)

On another occasion, Jesus got caught up in a domestic dispute over an inheritance and he had these words of warning…

¹³Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.” ¹⁴Jesus replied, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?” ¹⁵Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.” (Luke 10:13-15)

What a great reminder. Our lives are not to be measured by how much we earn, or save, or have. We’re not the sum total of our mortgages, bank accounts, or life insurance. Economic measures have their place, but they don’t define who we are or what we’re worth.

As Christian parents, who believe in life after death with God for all who trust in Jesus, there’s a far more significant legacy we want to leave our children. One that can’t be measured by an accountant, or distributed by a solicitor. We want them to look forward to an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade.

³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade — kept in heaven for you. ( 1 Peter 1:3-5)

This is not something we can give our kids, but God can! We can point them in the right direction. We can remind them of God’s generous offer of eternal life. We can model sitting loose to stuff, not trusting in hollow promises of financial security, and trusting in God for all our needs. As Jim Elliot wrote before losing his life, he is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.

We can’t write these things in our wills, but we can pray that God will write them on the hearts of each of our children.

Rhythm

Five months have passed since I was first admitted to hospital and I’m now in my 5^th cycle of chemo. Life is so different to what it once was. It’s not entirely predictable, but it’s begun to take on some rhythm and routine. My life currently revolves around three weekly cycles. I gear myself up for the next chemo and then prepare to go downhill over the following week or so. Days 5, 6, 7 are usually pretty tough. Aching joints, pains, nausea, constipation, fatigue, skin rashes, headaches have become the new normal! But then the side effects fade away and I rebuild. Sometimes in the third week I can even forget that I’m unwell.

The good news is that my new ‘maintenance’ chemo regime seems to be more tolerable. I haven’t had the same severity of symptoms. The roller coaster hasn’t dipped so low. I’ve even continued my daily coffees! My appetite hasn’t dropped – this has has created a new problem with me putting on too much weight. But there are still bad days, even really bad days, and I need to be prepared for these.

I’m learning to plan ahead and work with these rhythms. Some days are good for catching up with people, some not so. We’ve been able to arrange some days away as a family. I’ve been able to plan to preach on certain weekends. We’re looking forward to a few friends coming to visit on some (anticipated) good days ahead! Unfortunately, the Brumbies schedule hasn’t followed my routine. I haven’t been able to build consistency in my involvement with the team. I get to be at some games live at the stadium, and other times I’m stuck at home, grateful for Foxtel!

Though I still get frustrated and impatient with my limitations, I am learning to go with the flow a bit more. There are times to rest and times for activity. When the energy levels allow, then I’m keen to get out and about, to catch up with people, to talk. When I ache, or feel weak and unwell, then my goals are more limited. Perhaps, this is the time to reply to a few emails, make a phone call, read a chapter of a book, or write another post. My family know there are times when I can do things and times when I can’t. They’ve been very patient with me and shown great care and concern.

There are some areas where I haven’t adapted well to my new rhythms. It’s important to build gentle regular exercise into the routine, but it’s not really happening. I’m keen to be reading the Bible and praying regularly with Fiona, but we’re haphazard at best. We want to be spending more time talking things through with our children, reading and praying together, but we get distracted by all that’s going on.

I’ve been a ‘twice every Sunday’ church attender most of my life, but now I can’t even make it every week. And I’m often too exhausted to back up on a Sunday evening after going along in the morning. Preaching twice on a Sunday recently was a big challenge! But, I’ve discovered that I approach church a little differently now. Previously, I’ve been focused on my sermon, or the details of leading the church. Now that I preach only rarely, I find myself more relaxed at church. And because I’m not spending as much time mixing with people during the week, I look forward to Sunday interactions even more. I’m more conscious of wanting to make my time count with people and to talk about the stuff that really matters!

The shape of my ministry has certainly changed. I’ve spent years and years focused on the spoken word and now find myself spending more and more time on the written word. My desire remains for people to discover the joy of knowing God and to discover the difference that Jesus makes to life. It’s wonderful to hear when something I’ve written has been an encouragement to someone. I thank God that blogging has pushed some people to ask questions, to explore issues, and to begin conversations about the big issues of life (and death).

As I write this, I’m spending a couple of days away with our church staff team. It’s great to be a part of the conversations, the planning, the prayer, the brain storming. But it’s also a reminder of how much has changed. I’m not working hard these three days, pushing the agenda, pulling everything together, focusing on action plans and outcomes. I’m no longer the senior pastor! I’ve gone from a leading ministerial portfolio to being a backbencher! Last year I was captain coach and now I’m an interchange player! I don’t resent this. In fact, it’s a relief (especially given my health and resources) not currently having the buck stop with me. It’s important to have the freedom to be involved as I’m able, and to not be involved when I’m unable. And I thank God that our church is in good hands with our new senior pastor!

There are challenges ahead as I explore what I can and can’t do. Who am I now? For so long I’ve been the leader, my job description has been defined, my responsibilities have been clear, and I’ve known what I have to do. Now I find myself asking new questions. How do I fit in? How can I complement the others on the staff team? What can I do given my limitations? What will make the biggest impact? How can I keep serving, learning, growing? Are there things that God has in store for me, which would never have been possible except for this cancer? They’re difficult questions to answer, because I don’t know what the future holds? But then, who does? We make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

Patience

Patience has never been my strong suit. You’ve probably heard about the person who prays, “Lord make me patient, and do it now!” How does God answer that one?!

I just want to be better… now! I want to get off the chemo and onto drugs that don’t hurt… now! I want to be fit again… to run, lift weights, throw a football, climb stairs easily, catch waves, join my friends on bike rides… NOW!

The family are off being active and I’m just climbing out of bed after a nanna nap! Do I take panadol for the chest pain, the sore head, and the aches in my joints? Or do I hop back into bed and hope it will go away? Do I push through the pain barriers? Or do I rest and let the body catch up? I’ll tell you, there are no easy answers.

Most of my life I’ve maintained a reasonable level of fitness. Running, swimming, walking, riding, lifting. I’ve never been a top class athlete, but I’ve never felt disabled either. That is, until now. And I don’t like it!

This year I’d planned to be active, really active. I was going to be a barra fishing, pig shooting, motorbike riding, four-wheel driving, pastor in the NT! We were looking forward to a physical, outdoors lifestyle. And now I’m stuck inside, hiding from the cold, unable to shake a cold. So what on earth does God have to teach me?

Patience… I’m a slow learner! And I usually have to learn the hard way. There’s lots I need to learn, but patience has to be right up there.

I need to be reminded that this world is not the way God intends it to be. I’m not the way God intends me to be. It’s not how things started, and it’s not how they’ll finish. God has big plans and he’s not done yet. The Apostle Paul reflects on the chaos and suffering he sees in this world and he helps us to get things back in perspective – God’s perspective.

¹⁸ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:18-25)

I don’t have to be satisfied with how things are… because God is ok with me longing for things to be better. I don’t have to pretend that the world really is wonderful… because God reminds me that it’s been subjected to frustration. There’s no point putting on a brave face and doing all I can to improve my lot… because God has put into place his plan to renew all things. So what does he ask of me?

To put my hope in him, and to wait, patiently.

Journey with cancer 18 Apr 2012

Dear family and friends,

This has been a heavy week. CT scans on Monday of chest, abdomen, pelvis, and brain. Maintenance chemo on Tuesday with Alimta and Avastin, no more Carboplatinum. Appointment with our oncologist this morning, to interpret scans, check how I’m going, and confirm plans looking ahead.

I say it’s been a heavy week, because it has been focused on the disease and it’s been a reality check. We’ve been able to (largely) forget the seriousness of the cancer in recent days, especially as we spent a lovely family time at the beach over the Easter week. But then, we come out of holiday land and back home to face facts. And some of the facts aren’t too good. We keep being reminded that the treatment is not considered curative and that the best we can hope for is to slow down the progress of the cancer, while seeking to minimise the bad effects of treatment. Of course, this is still good. I do thank God for the availability of quality medical care, access to good information, the support of others who understand all this stuff (especially my wife), and the hope that comes from the treatment available.

People often ask what they can pray for me. There are lots of things: patience, good use of my time, strategic ministry opportunities, the capacity to love and serve my wife and children, the strengthening of my (and my family’s) trust in God, availability of the targeted Crizotinib drug (currently only approved in the US, and made available in Australia within certain trials or after evidence of cancer progression from standard chemo), and other things. But high on the list I keep asking people to pray for complete healing. That God will, either by medical means or a complete miracle, free me from this disease. Many of us have been praying this for 4 months now, and I keep hoping that it will either keep shrinking every day, or that one day I will wake up and it’ll all be gone!

This week has been tough because we’ve been reminded that the cancer is still there. The CT shows a very small reduction in the primary tumour and no evidence of any new tumours or spread to the brain. However, it has highlighted a couple of nodes with evidence of cancer, and we are unclear as to whether this is new, whether they have increased in size since the last scan, or whether they were present earlier without being clearly detectable. I think I was hoping for a profound reduction in the cancer. Perhaps for them to say that it’d almost disappeared!

So far the new chemo regime seems like it will be more manageable. Although it is normally 2 or 3 days after treatment that the side effects start to get bad, and they can last for more than a week after that, so I shouldn’t make too many predictions here! My ‘muck in the lungs’ problem is still evident, but I’m about to take a fourth course of antibiotics and it does seem to be slowly getting better. Please pray that it gets completely cleared up.

I’ve been a bit miserable over the last few days. For some reason last night I was picturing my own funeral in my mind, with Fiona and the kids deeply saddened at my passing. This led to a few tears and me being rather melancholic today. My kids are too young for this, I thought. I want to enjoy more time with them yet. I need to make a priority of investing in my family, filling their minds with the promises of God, and depositing good investments into their memory banks. Of course this is true whether I have a months, years or decades. And I need to keep reminding myself that God will look after them. He is an expert at it, with or without my help!

And we’ve had some good times recently. The family escape to Broulee was nice. We spent time lazing in the sun, walking the beaches, the kids surfed each day, everyone but me swam in the ocean (I wimped out, blaming my chest infection and reduced immunity), we read books, watched Sherlock, completed a WASGIJ (a back-the-front jigsaw), and Marcus caught a couple of fish. It was especially nice to have Matt home with us for a week or so before returning to uni.

On Sunday I gave my second sermon for the year on Connecting with God and each other, based on Ephesians 2-3. It was exciting to be able to open God’s Word with the church again, though it left me exhausted after repeating the talk at night. We also had a wonderful time over lunch catching up with 3 families who are long term friends, including a special friend who became a Christian in the first year of our ministry here in Canberra. I hope to be speaking again in a few weeks, as we begin a series in Genesis.

The following prayer featured in my recent talk on Sunday. I am keen to be praying this myself, and I recommend it to each of you also.

¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the saints*, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:14-21)

(* saints doesn’t refer to dead Christians who have done special things they’re remembered for – it refers to living Christians in this prayer)

Thank you again for your support. We are continually humbled to hear of people praying all over the world, some every day. We love getting messages of encouragement via cards, email, facebook, now twitter :), and especially in person. Please feel free to drop in and share a coffee!

With love,

Dave (and Fiona)

Body Image

Having cancer doesn’t do much for one’s body image. Shortly after coming home from hospital I visited a friend’s pool with my family. I’d undergone 2 surgeries and had some good looking scars where the tubes went between my ribs. I’d lost about 13 kilos, but without becoming trim and taut. It was like my muscles had melted and disappeared, and those that were left had slipped down my body and become fairly useless. I didn’t much like what I saw in the mirror. And neither did my youngest. Sitting beside the pool he said to me, “Just as well you’re married dad. Otherwise you’d never get anyone to marry you, looking like that!” Mmmm! 😦

And a strange thing happened on Saturday. We’d been out watching the Brumbies demolish the Rebels in an awesome game of rugby, and I came home planning to check out the highlights on the television. As I was watching the wrap up after the game, the camera showed one of the Rebels players speaking with a bloke wearing a Brumbies hoodie on the field. I looked closely trying to work out who it was. And then I realised… it was me! I didn’t recognise myself on the TV. A serious lack of hair. An unwanted increase in girth. And I seemed to have aged 10 years in 4 months.

Today I felt like a human pin cushion. One injection for blood tests. A cannula to pump radioactive fluid into my veins for CT scans to the torso and brain. A needle full of vitamin B12 to help me make blood cells. 29 acupuncture needles to strengthen my immune system and alleviate pain. Another 9 tiny needle tabs to continue the benefit of the acupuncture. All that in one day!

And the killer chemo drugs, the ‘weed killer’ they pump into my body. The steroids, anti-nauseals, antihistamines, pain killers, vitamins, iron tablets, herbal medicines, laxatives, reflux tablets, and more. My kitchen resembles a pharmacy. The only drug I enjoy is the one that comes out of the shiny machine in the corner!

It’s not just the treatments, or people’s comments, or looking at myself in the mirror. I know that things aren’t what they once were. Shortness of breath, aches and pains, muscular weakness, nanna naps during the day, waking up during the night to visit the toilet, and the list continues. I keep hoping things will get better, but they might not. Somethings improve, and others get worse. And I’m not going to reverse the ageing process. None of us are!

There are some things I can do. Eat less, or at least cut out some of the ‘comfort’ snacks. Exercise more, without compromising my capacity to recover from chemo and fight the cancer. Not get hung up about what I look like, although I am under instruction to have a shave every day!

Our culture makes things harder for us. We are obsessed with image. We idolise youth and we’re constantly being tempted by strategies to make ourselves look and feel younger. But, why can’t we face the reality? People get sick. People grow old. Bodies wear out. One day we’ll die. We don’t like it, and nor should we, but we can’t change it.

The Bible candidly reminds us of this reality. One day every one of us will die and meet our Maker. We’re called to live in the light of this reality, not to try to hide it or avoid it. The ageing process reminds us to consider God while we can, to enjoy God as we live this life. Not to ignore him, or put him off until it’s too late. As it says in the book of Ecclesiastes:

¹ Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
“I find no pleasure in them”—
² before the sun and the light
and the moon and the stars grow dark,
and the clouds return after the rain;
³ when the keepers of the house tremble,
and the strong men stoop,
when the grinders cease because they are few,
and those looking through the windows grow dim;
⁴ when the doors to the street are closed
and the sound of grinding fades;
when men rise up at the sound of birds,
but all their songs grow faint;
⁵ when men are afraid of heights
and of dangers in the streets;
when the almond tree blossoms
and the grasshopper drags himself along
and desire no longer is stirred.
Then man goes to his eternal home
and mourners go about the streets.
⁶ Remember him—before the silver cord is severed,
or the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring,
or the wheel broken at the well,
⁷ and the dust returns to the ground it came from,
and the spirit returns to God who gave it.
(Ecclesiastes 12:1-7)

These words were written hundreds of years before Jesus. The author reflects on the meaningless emptiness he sees in life. Life’s experiences can be wonderful, they can be awful, but either way death bringing everything to a halt. We come and go so quickly, like a mist or a vapour. Death is the big full stop to life.

Jesus frees us from this depressing analysis. Life is no longer without meaning or purpose, because we see clearly that death is not the end. The resurrection of Jesus offers purpose and hope, both for this life and the life to come. We don’t have to panic and fight the decay of our bodies at all costs. This life matters deeply, but it’s not all there is.

The Apostle Paul speaks of our bodies as being like a tent, a temporary dwelling. He contrasts this with the image of a permanent home, a heavenly building, a resurrected body:

¹ Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. ² Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, ³ because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. ⁴ For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. ⁵ Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
⁶ Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. ⁷ We live by faith, not by sight. ⁸ We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. (2 Corinthians 5:1-8)

Jesus can free us from being obsessed with how we appear, with trying to stay young at any price. He can lift us beyond the depressing observation that one day we will be dead and gone, and ultimately forgotten. More than this, he reminds us that life is not all about our self image or how others see us. What matters much more is how God sees us, and what God is doing in and through us. If we’re willing to put our trust in Jesus, then we can be confident that…

Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16)

Journey with cancer – Easter update

Dear family and friends,

This week marks 4 months since I was admitted to hospital with cancer and it’s certainly been quite a ride! We are so grateful for your ongoing prayers, support, encouragement and practical help from so many of you. It would be a very lonely experience without you.

I’ve just completed my fourth and final ‘full’ round of chemo – on carboplatinum, alimta and avastin. While this has knocked me round pretty seriously each time, I’ve been able to push on knowing that if it’s hurting me, then it should be hurting the cancer even more! Scans after the 2nd cycle showed that it was working, with the tumour shrinking substantially, and we are hoping for more of the same the next time around.

I go back for further scans on 16 April. They will do a CT of my chest and abdomen, so as to measure any reduction or growth of the tumour. They will also do a brain scan – just to check if I have one – so as to rule out any spread of the cancer! Please pray that the cancer will not have spread anywhere else in the body, and that the lung tumour will have shrunk even further.

The results of these scans will determine the best form of treatment to undergo next. Recent conversations with our oncologist suggest that they will simply drop out the carboplatinum and continue the other chemicals on a continued 3 weekly cycle. The idea is to try and keep the cancer from growing or spreading and, potentially God willing, to poison it out of existence. We don’t know how long this will continue, but we will have periodic scans to monitor what’s happening. Our hope and prayer is that these ‘maintenance cycles’ will have less severe side effects, and enable me to do a bit more.

On the family front, we continue to be encouraged. We thank God for our kids and continue to pray that God will help them to trust him through these events and circumstances. We’re all looking forward to a few days together at the south coast over the Easter week. A change of scenery, the beach, some surf, and some fish n chips, won’t do us any harm!

I’ve enjoyed getting back involved with some ministry at church and at the Brumbies. This has mainly involved meeting with people to encourage them, work through issues, or to discuss Christian beliefs. Ironically, having a life-threatening illness seems to open more doors than it closes. It has also been good to meet with some of the pastoral staff in a ‘mentor’ type capacity. After we get back from the coast I’m very excited to be giving my second talk for the year, on the topic of ‘Connecting’. You can tell I’m a frustrated preacher! Writing this blog is also becoming more and more enjoyable. Initially, I wasn’t keen to do it. In fact, I didn’t want to do it at all! But it’s been exciting to be able to encourage people, provoke their thinking, and support others in similar circumstances, through this medium.

Over the past few days, I’ve been involved in a few conversations about the heart of Christianity. Some have wanted to say that Christianity is just one religious phenomenon among others, that it’s not much more than good ethical teaching. Some have spoken of Jesus as an influential and important figure of history, but don’t believe we need to make anything more of him. I understand these perspectives are widespread and common, but I worry about these assessments. I don’t think it’s fair to Christianity (or Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Islam, or any other religion) to put all ‘religions’ in a bucket and assume they are different expressions of the same reality. Nor do I think it takes Jesus seriously to consider him ‘just a good man’ or an amazing moral teacher. A closer look at the New Testament reveals Jesus making claims to be God and the only way for people to know God personally. If I was to make these type of claims for myself today, then I think people would rightly see me as either crazy or dangerous – certainly not the ultimate good man.

Yesterday, I was having lunch with a mate, enjoying the beautiful sunshine. He and I believe very different things about God and Christianity. But we agree on one thing especially – the importance of keeping an open mind and being open to persuasion. In fact, it is very refreshing to be able to have honest conversation without covering over our differences. Can I ask you this week, is your mind open to the possibility that there is a God? Would you be willing to take a fresh look at the evidence for Christianity, at the claims and teaching of Jesus? Would you have a think about why Christians bizarrely call the execution day of Jesus, Good Friday? Would you consider the importance of this early * Christian record describing the events and meaning of the first Easter?

³ For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, ⁴ that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, ⁵ and that he appeared to Peter, and then to the Twelve. ⁶ After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep. ⁷ Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles, ⁸ and last of all he appeared to me also… (1 Corinthians 15:3-8)

* The creed of verses 3-5 is normally dated before the year AD 35 by Christian and non-Christian historians alike.

The truth or otherwise of Christianity is inextricably linked to events of history. It cannot be detached and left in the realm of ideas or philosophy. If Jesus died for our sins, and if he was raised on the third day, then it makes all the difference. But, if there was no resurrection, if the whole thing has been made up or misunderstood, then we need to take these words seriously:

¹³ If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. ¹⁴ And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. ¹⁵ More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that he raised Christ from the dead. But he did not raise him if in fact the dead are not raised. ¹⁶ For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. ¹⁷ And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. ¹⁸ Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. ¹⁹ If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men. (1 Corinthians 15:13-19)

Christianity is based on verifiable events. Historians engage seriously with this stuff. They check out the sources, both Christian and and non-Christian sources. They assess the possible explanations, consider the impact of the events, and weigh up the evidence. I’m encouraged that world-class historians take the person of Jesus and the Gospel documents very seriously as facts of history. The question is, what do they mean and what difference does it make?

I believe the answer is as big as the difference between life and death for all eternity and something that big has to be worthy of serious investigation.

As I reflect on life and death this Easter, my prayer continues to be that God will take away my cancer – that I will be fully healed. But I want you to know that I thank God that he has already taken away something far worse than my cancer. He has healed me from my sin, from my selfish hostility to him. And while the price of chemotherapy is very high, the price of my spiritual cure is unbelievable – that Jesus should give his life for me, dying in my place, on that first Good Friday.

My prayer for you is that this will be the best Easter you have ever known.

Love from Dave

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